In today's economy you're lucky to have a job. And if you have a job that pays well (enough) without also having a degree, well then, my dear friend, you're even luckier. And since both of those things apply to me I'm not entirely sure why I'm complaining (or whatever), but I am.
I've been employed by the same company and in the same position for 18 months now, and in the beginning I used to love coming to work. I thought my boss was amusing, entertaining even. And the work seemed interesting, maybe even important. Now, though, my boss and his thousand-a-day "back when I was..." stories are annoying and the work seems so worthless that half the time I have to force myself to do it. And even then it takes about a week to do something I could do in a couple of hours. Why? Because I can't stay motivated; I no longer find my job interesting. Or enjoyable.
I know I should be grateful that I have this job --- any job, really. But recently I can't get past it. Ever since returning from "maternity leave", every morning when I step foot inside my office building a wave of discontent and irritation and dread swells up inside of me and I end up slumped in my chair, staring at my computer screen; agitated, never on taks, unable to focus, and completely disinterested. When the fuck did this happen? You know, the whole "I hate my job" thing?
I don't know. Maybe it happened months ago, or a year ago. Or just last week. No matter. The fact is: I'm unhappy and it is beginning to affect my performance, my mood, my relationships. I don't feel challenged by my work anymore, nor do I find it interesting. Or necessary. And that, folks, means it's time to move on.
I need a job that's more than just a job --- I need a career. Something dynamic, fast-paced. Flexible, definitely, but also structured, routine. I need something that relates to something I enjoy. I need something that challenges me. And it should be pretty obvious that completing expense reports and scheduling meetings isn't challenging. Not if you have an education above the 3rd grade, anyway.
And besides dynamic and flexible and challenging I want something that makes me happy. Something that caters to a passion of mine, and something that will make me money. My "when I grow up I want to be..." philosophy for the last year or so has been this:
I want a career that I enjoy, that I can be successful at, that will shower me with money. Not too much money, though; just enough that I no longer have to worry about it anymore. Oh, and I want a job (career) that demands a business card. That may seem juvenille to some, but it isn't. To me having a business card that you actually use and is effective (meaning: it brings in business, referrals and clients in this case) means you've made it to the big leagues. No more sitting behind a desk working for other people. No, ma'am. I'm gonna go after that damn business-card-career and I'm not going to work for anyone but my clients and myself.
Back to the present day, though.
When I first interviewed for the position I'm currently in I knew it was going to be a part time gig. Emma was just a few months old and Madden was not even a thought in our minds at the time. Part time wasn't really preferred but shit, it was better than nothing and besides, it seemed like it wasn't going to be part time for long. But the weeks came and went, and so did the months, and now an entire year (and then some) has passed and here I am, sitting in this demeaning corner, stuck behind this stupid desk, twiddling my god damn thumbs all day. And to add to the fun, yesterday I was officially limited to working a certain number of measly hours for the rest of the year because the budget has been cut for the third time this year. How...nice.
One thing I do love about this job --- something I've always loved about this job --- is the flexibility it comes with. Over time, though, that flexibility has turned into my excuse for stringing together piles of unrelated reasons to take a few days off here, or show up late or not at all. It's not like my boss cares (really), but that's not what bothers me. What bothers me is that I don't care. Because I should. Because I used to.
But that was before I realized how hypocritcal and two-faced most of the people here are. For a company that prides itself on taking care of their own, I have to say: they suck at it. If I sound like I feel entitled it's because I do. How do you expect me not to when all day every day I hear about how this company is all about its employees and the people it represents when meanwhile I'm left struggling in a position that doesn't utilize my full potential --- or any of it, actually --- and that definitely doesn't come close to paying the bills. A position that's been "readjusted" and "restructured" a billion times since I first started those 18 months ago to the point where now it isn't enough for my family to live. I'm pretty sure that doesn't qualify as "taking care of your people".
My competitive personality and "winner's" mindset won't let me give up, though, which is what I have thought quitting would me for so long. Before I took "maternity leave" (i.e. "a bunch of unpaid time off") I decided that once I graduated school in June I would enroll in online Real Estate classes. I figured if I waited until I graduated college that 1) my final semester grades wouldn't suffer because I wouldn't be stretching myself thin over a bunch of different things, 2) I'd be able to quickly knock out the study time and get the test taken within weeks, and 3) that I'd actually stick with it because I waited months from the idea until the purchase.
Well, my grades were fine last semester, but I haven't finished my RE courses. I haven't stuck with them, if we're being honest. A few lessons in I stopped paying attention to what I was reading, and a few lessons later I stopped reading altogether. Part of me feels guilty about spending precious money on this course and not finishing it but then I remind myself that it was ONLY $150 and I still have 10 months to finish the course. And then there's another part of me that doesn't feel bad about it at all and figures I'm not cut out for real estate anyway because why I may be good at it (so I'm told) I just can't see myself doing it. Because I just don't care about.
Sure, I have dreams about owning my own home one day --- big dreams of a big home with a big yard. But I couldn't care less about helping other people achieve that dream. It's a cutthroat world out there, hunny, and I'm gonna do whatever I have to in order to get mine and that doesn't include helping you out. Insensitive? Maybe. Ruthless? Sure. But that's the way it is. This is real life as a big kid, Junior, so man up or get out.
So I've spent the last few weeks really trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Obviously I want to live it and I want to live it comfortably, but how the hell do I acieve that? What is something that I love to do, something I'm good at, that can also make me money? Oh, yeah, that thing I spend all my free time doing: working out.
I contemplated becoming a personal trainer after Briseis was born but I was so young and wasn't sure that it was something I wanted, or something that I'd excel at. After the past few weeks, though, I'm convinced it's what I'm supposed to be doing. I am genuinely passionate about the dismal state of this nation (among many other things, this nation is disgustingly fat and unhealthy and it irks me to the point where I take it personally). So over the next couple of weeks I'm going to do some research and figure out the best way to go about this.
Stay tuned. This newest endeavor of mine should be interesting, and probably entertaining (at times).
